I know it’s been a while since I’ve updated you all. And I know a lot of you have been messaging me asking how everything has been going because you can’t find it here, on my blog. So, I guess it’s time to get everything off of my chest. If you don’t want to read a lengthy post where I’m complaining and probably overreacting, then I suggest that you don’t read this post.
I’m currently weighing in at 109.3kg, which is a total loss of 33.2kg. I am 16 weeks post-op on Friday, the 2nd of December.
The reason I’ve been so slack in updating is because I’ve really been struggling with absolutely everything. My mental health has really taken a beating over the last couple of months. I keep up a pretty good front on Instagram, but most days I feel sad whenever I look in the mirror or see myself in photos. Which I know sounds terribly vain and ridiculous, but I honestly just feel a little defeated. And quite honestly, I know a lot of people think I’m selfish whenever I try and talk about it because I have lost a lot of weight, and a lot of people really struggle to do that.
And I don’t know why, but whenever someone says something like,”Oh my god, you look so amazing!”, or “How do you feel? I bet you feel so much better!”, or even “You look so much healthier! Do you feel healthier?” – I get this awful feeling in my gut, and it actually makes me feel really shit. I mean, I know most of them mean well, and mean it as a compliment, but I feel like sometimes it’s really backhanded. Was I so terrible before? Did they think I was repulsive and unhappy before? I was a million times more confident at my heaviest than I am right now.
I don’t like that people keep commenting on my body.
It makes me uncomfortable. What do I even say? Thank you? I just don’t like that people are taking notice, if that makes sense? I’m sure this all seems trivial and childish or whatever, but it’s really difficult to process each day that I’m a completely different person now. I can’t go back. And I’m not saying I want to go back to my heaviest weight, but I currently feel like I don’t fit in anywhere anymore.
Another thing, is eating with people who haven’t had the sleeve done. They always comment on how little I eat, and that it can’t be healthy and that I need to eat more. I already feel disheartened when I pick at a plate of food, feeling full after a few bites. I can no longer enjoy a nice, decent sized meal with friends and family. Food is social, anyone who says it isn’t is kidding themselves. And with Christmas around the corner, and meals happening constantly for about 3 days, I am feeling so anxious about it all. So not only do I need to listen to family talking about how great I look since losing weight, but also have to listen to them telling me to eat more – which is how I’ve been losing the weight. It’s a huge ball of contradiction and I just feel like I can’t win.
Eating out or talking to people who have had WLS is the only time I feel a little normal; because as much as people try, if you haven’t had it, you can’t truly understand. And I worry I’m pushing people away, because sometimes it’s just too hard to try and explain it over and over again.
My bloods and vitamin levels are currently in an okay range, but I can’t find any multivitamins or hair, skin & nail vitamins that don’t make me completely nauseous. So if I don’t find some soon, I risk things beginning to go south for me. I’m already losing a lot of hair every day, which is really disheartening because my hair has always been my security blanket, and it’s one of the only things that makes me feel pretty. I’ve also been dealing with some nasty reflux and heartburn as a side effect from the surgery, so now I think I’ll be on Nexium for the rest of my life to keep it at bay. Again, just another cherry on top.
I’m sorry this has been completely negative, and I don’t want this blog to turn into a negative place, but I also said from the beginning that I wanted to keep it real. This is real. This is my every day thoughts and feelings. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows, and whenever I see someone’s journey presented online as being such, I honestly wonder how they’ve done it. How have they kept it all together while their life is changing so drastically and so quickly? I need to know their secrets, because it’s getting beyond ridiculous for me at the moment.
And I’m not saying everything is going wrong or badly, some things have been great. I have an amazing boyfriend who is one of the main reasons I’m still holding it together (holding it by a thread, but still holding). I just got a new job so I’m not sitting around the house anymore, and having an income is really helpful because I’m constantly needing new clothes, especially bras and undies.
Anyway, I think that’s all I wanted to get off of my chest today. I’ll try and update here more often. Perhaps once a week or fortnight. Thank you for all of the support so far.